One way or another

(File Last Modified Fri, Apr 11, 2003.)

• Why am I the way I am?

Why am I the way I am?

We can't choose something that doesn't yet exist. If our potential is not being lived out, it doesn't have any external form. It's simply raw possibility. Raw possibility comes to our awareness only when we realize that something is missing. It takes our attention away from the things we already know and do and love.

We constantly experience this diversion of attention as a vague feeling of boredom or restlessness-the sense that our lives aren't what they could be. Sometimes this happens because circumstances have pushed us to develop traits and values that aren't consistent with our real personality. But it happens for another reason as well: We're born with many possibilities for development, and one lifetime is too short to make the most of all of them. Thus, we usually concentrate on the ones that come easiest to us, cultivating our strengths-the possibilities that feel most ``like us''. When we do this, we're filled with energy and engaged with life.

In the process, however, we necessarily sacrifice other possibilities, which are equally valuable and part of our human heritage. Thus, we're likely to feel that something is missing even when we've done exactly what we set out to do! We all contend with potential left behind, and it's not easy to figure out how to deal with it.

For one thing, our society is relentlessly external. When we feel frustrated or dissatisfied, our first impulse is to blame our job, partner, or environment for our lack of interest. We're encouraged at every turn to solve the problem by embarking on a new career, finding a more exciting love life, or starting a hobby.

Usually, however, a feeling of restlessness or dissatisfaction occurs not because our outer situation has lost its appeal but because our unexpressed potential has no other way to get our attention. If anything, our unlived possibilities claim our attention most insistently when we've built an outer life strong enough to withstand their realization.